If you’ve escaped the digital hellworld of online dating, congratulations: You must be either in the 20 percent of Americans who find the practice “desperate,” or you’re a compulsive liar.
Either way, you can still enjoy the following recollections about online courtship gone awry. NonDoc has already covered online dating nightmares from the female perspective, but the following male tales present a different yet familiar kind of suffering.
‘Wanna be my Mr. Grey?’
Literally the first day I joined Tinder in summer 2013, I matched with a cute blonde 27-year-old. She was rather bookish in appearance, with glasses and wardrobe that can only be called “grandma’s closet,” but I was already five mimosas into Sunday brunch and figured, “What the hell?”
So I said, “Hi – I think you’re gorgeous,” and she responded with “Hi, thank you, and you are very handsome. I’ve got 2 sets of handcuffs, a whip, and a libido James Dean couldn’t satisfy, wanna be my Mr. Grey?”
So, being the gentleman I am, I responded with, “Mr. Grey can’t hold a candle to me. Want to grab a drink?”
We settled on a local dive bar, the Mercury Lounge. She was indeed cute, albeit slightly larger than her picture, but not quite a deal-breaker. We pounded a couple $5 beer/whiskey specials, and within 30 minutes we were making out in my car. We went back to her place and she proceeded to take me. It was the most intense S&M-style sex of my life. My pelvis hurt for four days.
We talked a little afterwards, and she started to cry when she mentioned the daughter she had lost custody of.
At that point, I realized I was in over my head. She tried to reach out to me about four other times in the subsequent days, but I just couldn’t bring myself to respond. I ghosted.
Sense-less in Seattle
I met a woman on Christian Mingle from Seattle. She was divorced. An attractive girl. She flew down here and we met, but then I started finding out that maybe she had a little bit of a mental issue.
She would talk about her mom and how her mom was an alcoholic. Her mom was bipolar or something. She was really weird.
Anyway, the first time she came down, we hit it off and I really liked her, but she was super-possessive of me. We hung out that first weekend, and suddenly it was like we were married. Calling all the time, wanting to know where I was. Started calling my work. She got the number off the Internet and would call the office and ask for me sometimes.
At first it was kind of cute. “Oh, my girlfriend is calling … who I met once.”
She then started checking in on me all the time. (I found out later she got cheated on, which is why she got divorced.)
But there was one night where my brother and I and one of his friends had been out to a bar, and I wasn’t trying to see anybody, because I was seeing her and I was excited about her, and I didn’t date more than one person at a time.
My brother and his friend both had girls in the car, and I was driving. She called me, and she could hear girls in the background.
She was like, “Where are you? Are there girls in the car?”
I was like, “Well, there’s girls in the car, but they’re not with me.”
She flipped out on me. She called me a liar (and I’m one of the most trustful people when it comes to stuff like that) and wrote me this long message on Christian Mingle about how I wasn’t a Christian and how Christians don’t cheat on each other.
She had no evidence whatsoever that I was doing anything wrong. I put my brother on the phone with her, and he explained.
Somehow, after that, she came down one more time. At that point, I was kind of already turned off because of how she had behaved.
The second time she came and stayed, she started rearranging things in my house, like stuff on the coffee table. Like she was redecorating it. Literally, the second time we had hung out.
So I had to cut that off because she turned out to be a little bat-shit crazy. I’m not going to lie. She wanted to move to Oklahoma even though we had only met twice.
‘I felt like there was something I didn’t know’
I had met a young lady in 2004 or 2005 on Match.com who was not drop-dead gorgeous but was really cute and athletic. She was somewhere in Texas, around Houston.
We started sending written messages back and forth, and it seemed like our interests were aligned. Had a lot in common. She liked playing sports, was physically active. She seemed fairly intelligent. Her messages were grammatically correct.
We started talking on the phone. Things were great. We talked on the phone for maybe a month. We’d email pictures back and forth, as it was back before FaceTime and Skype. We had decided she was going to come to Oklahoma and visit.
Now, she had told me a story about an ex-boyfriend who she feared would stalk her — that he couldn’t let her go. But I thought nothing of it at the time.
So, I had paid for a plane ticket for her from Houston to Oklahoma City. She was flying in on a Friday evening or something like that, and I had talked to her that day. Everything was great. She was getting on the airplane, blah blah blah.
I drove to the airport that evening to pick her up. Called her, she never answered. Called again, never answered. I was there about an hour. The flight comes through, everyone picks up their luggage. She wasn’t there, and, obviously, I couldn’t get a refund for the plane ticket.
At like midnight, I get a frantic phone call, and she’s at the police station. Her ex-boyfriend had stalked her and threatened to kill her and showed up at her house, so she had been at the police station all day filling out a report.
I felt awful because I was mad that she didn’t come. She told me that she had to get a restraining order against him, and she wasn’t able to travel and leave. The cops said it was better if she just stayed at her house.
This went on for two or three weeks, and I was really interested in her. She was really cool to talk to, and I wanted to meet her in person.
We talked about her coming again. We went through the whole scenario, and everything was good, but the night before her departure, she called me again and made up all these excuses why she couldn’t make it.
Finally, I was just like, “Listen, I’m going to drive to Houston because I want to meet you. We can do dinner or something.” (I knew where she lived because she had sent me a package.)
Then all these other stories came up for why we couldn’t meet, why I couldn’t come down there.
I had some hesitancy, but after a couple months of talking to somebody, you feel like you know them pretty well. Still, I felt like there was something I didn’t know.
So we talked that night, and she came clean: The pictures she had been sending me and those I had seen on her profile were not her, and if I saw her in person I wouldn’t be interested, and she feels really bad for leading me on, and how I would never understand the issues she has, and I’ll never understand because I’m an attractive guy, and she never gets to talk to anybody interesting. This whole “feel sorry for me” deal.
And I said, “Well, I want you to send me a real picture of you.”
She sent me her actual picture, and I was shocked: She literally weighed 300 pounds. This was after she had told me she was active and loved to play basketball and told me what I wanted to hear.
At that point, I called her up and said, “Listen, here’s the deal. Looks aren’t everything, but you’ve lied to me for months about who you are, what you like, that you’re physically active, that you go for runs … and none of that’s true!”
She was like, “Well, yeah, if I didn’t tell you all that, you wouldn’t have talked to me.”
I said, “Granted, you’re right, I understand that. But the type of person you are isn’t the type of person anyone would want. Even if you were attractive, I wouldn’t be interested in you!” I just went off on her because I almost drove to Houston for her, and she was a total liar.
I basically got catfished.
Kappa Kappa Oh-Crappa
My online dating profile on eHarmony insists that women put a photo up before talking to me so that I don’t end up trying to date a cousin or friend. Fortunately, I have never run into this problem, so apparently my profile is working.
What it doesn’t prevent is dating people who know each other. And, no, not at the same time.
I had been in a relationship with a girl for about nine months when she asked about a girl I was friends with on Facebook. She was a mutual friend.
As it turns out, I had dated (two dates) this mutual friend just weeks before I started dating my girlfriend at the time. Apparently, they had been sorority sisters at OSU many moons ago.
End of story? No.
Apparently, guys are never allowed to have dated anyone that a woman knows or has ever known during the course of their life. Instead of being a nice guy who had finally found the woman he intended to spend the rest of his life with, I found myself being labeled as someone who would date anyone.
That relationship struggled on for a few more weeks, but it proved to be a cautionary tale for online dating.