Trump, Fallin
(NonDoc graphic)

Get your imaginary currency ready for a pretend ticket on a hypothetical bus to Speculation City … media are reporting that Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin will meet today with the frontman of the Toupee Troubadours, GOP presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump.

With other media on pins and needles awaiting reports from the meeting, I reached out to a couple local comedians to see if they could help me issue ridiculous hot takes on what Fallin VP speculation may or may not mean for the future of humanity.

Q: Would a Fallin VP choice help or hurt Donald Trump’s chances of becoming president? Why?

Spencer Hicks, co-CEO of OKCComedy: She absolutely helps his campaign. Trump was born rich and has always been rich. He needs someone by his side who can communicate with the common man about things like praying for rain, luxury trailers and the final season of Nashville.

James Nghiem, NonDoc writer and local comedian: Somebody told me Mary Fallin had tweeted at Donald Trump that she wanted to help make America great again. She could start by not making Oklahoma worse. I don’t see how a governor who’s unpopular in her home state, a red state even, helps Trump win voters on a national level that aren’t already on his side. From a superficial standpoint, maybe somebody out there thinks Mary Fallin could sway female voters from Hillary Clinton, but I don’t know how people could think that considering Oklahoma’s stance on women’s health and its female incarceration rate. It wouldn’t be hard to attack her when it comes election time. If this were a roast, ammunition for material would be abundant.

William W. Savage III, NonDoc editor in chief: The only way Fallin helps Donald Trump win the presidency is if they master some sort of truly astonishing Vegas-style magic act where he saws her in half to close every stump speech and — each time — media spend the next 36 hours trying to determine if he really butchered a sitting governor or whether it was all sleight of hand. Done right, this sort of prestidigitation could throw a major curveball at Hillary Clinton and debate moderators.

Q: What accomplishment of Mary Fallin’s would play best in a pro-Trump television ad?

Hicks: Easy: Mary has never lost an election. Trump hates losers. Fallin would make a great ad, the best ads. Everyone agrees, they say, “We will love Fallin’s ads.” The blacks, the gays, the women, would love her ads. She has great accomplishments, probably the best accomplishments, well … second to Donald Trump in accomplishments, but the ads would be great, all of them.

Nghiem: I got nothing. She doesn’t support things that make things great. She’s not a person who supports things that build communities. If you want to make America great, I feel like you should support systems that build for the future. She’s created a system here that will make it harder for generations of kids to succeed unless things change. If you were to extrapolate that idea nationally — which I know is a little bit of a stretch, but still — that’s terrifying.

Savage: Fallin’s refusal to expand Medicaid would surely make a great Trump ad because the Donald has been running scared all campaign from accusations that he supports single-payer health care. “The Washington Post has lied and said Donald Trump supported universal health care, but would a man who thinks everyone deserves access to a doctor pick a running mate who is complacently watching hospitals close in the state she governs? Of course not.

Q: Let’s say Trump and Fallin are simply meeting to discuss future seasons of The Apprentice. Who would you like to see Fallin fire in the first episode?

Savage: Probably her press secretary, Michael McNutt, because then he could have his dignity back, and he could come freelance for NonDoc. (It’s a joke, McNutt.)

Nghiem: Themselves. They’d point at each other and say, “You’re fired.” They’d nod at each other, somber, knowing it was for the best, and hug. After that, they could, you know, both find hobbies that they like and be happy.

Hicks: Donald Trump … can I say that? I’d watch that episode! But since we are just playing with hypotheticals, I’d like to see Fallin fire Kevin Durant. Then there would be a union uprising and Oklahoma would go on strike until the board replaced Mary.

Q: If Trump and Fallin do form an alliance, what sort of grandiose structure would you like to see Trump build in Oklahoma and where?

Hicks: A school in Hooker, Okla. Like some of Trump’s other educational endeavors, it would be broke and rarely used … so it will fit right in with Mary Fallin’s plan for Oklahoma schools!

Savage: I’d like to see him buy The Oklahoman and erect an 845-foot-tall golden middle finger on top of the paper’s downtown headquarters. It would be one foot taller than the Devon Tower, and, inside the newsroom, speakers could blare his voice on repeat: “You media … you’re all terrible people. You stink. You’re a liar, you liar. And you’re ugly.”

Nghiem: I want to see a giant USFL football stadium in the heart of Oklahoma City that will double as an Affliction MMA event center. Both of these failed Trump business ventures could finally thrive in a city that loves sports. (This is actually a sincere answer. Despite how I feel about Trump, I do like failed sports leagues that have underrated athletes.)

Q: Who do you think knows more about foreign policy, Trump or Fallin? Why?

Hicks: Trump, he makes his line of clothes in foreign countries. Fallin doesn’t even own a clothing company. How are you going to bring jobs back to America, Mary, if you don’t even own a clothing company?!?! On second thought, Mary Fallin would be a terrible pick for Veep.

Nghiem: If you posed this question to either of them, I can imagine them answering with a defensive, “Does anybody really know foreign policy? Let’s just do our best.”

Savage: Trump owns towers in at least nine foreign countries, so I suppose the advantage goes to him on this one. But if he and Fallin had to team up in a game of Trivial Pursuit against other power couples, I think everyone else would get annoyed with their attempts to win World Geography pies. “‘Stuffing’ is not the capital of Turkey,” you guys.