(Editor’s note: NonDoc publishes letters to the editors. The following creative writing was submitted as a rhetorical examination of Donald Trump’s impending presidency. Submit your own letter by emailing letters@nondoc.com.)
To the editors:
(Printed by Royal Decree. Mandatory Reading for the Edification of Our New King’s Worshipful and Delighted Subjects.)
“I promised the toilers that I would breathe greatness and life again into their flagging trades. Foreign kingdoms sell good iron for pittances and our smiths’ masters vex that they cannot lay their prices against them. As King, I decree a tariff on foreign iron.”
“So it shall be done, sire.”
“Sire, the tariff boosted the price of our wagons, carriages and plows. Our Nobles, by your decree, were forced to pay our fellow craftsmen’s iron prices, for which they charge dear. The peasants fie buying such goods at such a price and turn to foreign kingdoms’ goods for purchase. Our Nobles, yea, have begun to discharge thousands of their working yeomen to lower their draconian costs.”
“Slap a tariff on other kingdoms’ wagons, carriages and plows.”
“Sire, the foreign principalities grew angry at your latest command. They tax us gravely in kind on our goods that set upon their shores.”
“Build a magnificently high tariff on their borders. A huge bulwark against the vile foreign onslaught.”
“Sire, the peasants presently grumble about the greed of coin demanded of them for grain, feedstock and all manner of ordinary stuffs across the land. The Nobility doth protest they must drive peasant workers from their lands again because people buy not.”
“Subsidize the Nobles with coin of the realm so that they may increase the happiness and measure of the peasants.”
“Sire, the subsidies stopped some of the field hands from being set adrift, but our debt to those wealthier than us groweth large.”
“Cut taxes heavily on the Nobles and gladden the hearts of the yeomanry with a pittance also tossed their way. The burden lifted shall cause all merchants with stout hearts to sell even more trinkets, cups and sundries to the people and grow our treasury.”
“Sire, the yeomanry laments that they have no coin to spend on frivolities. Contrarywise, the truly wealthy grow exceedingly in happiness to finance your wise prescriptions.”
“Use the money from the tariffs for the subsidies.”
“Thus we have already done, sire.”
“Make a deal with the lords, foreign and sovereign, to whom we owe coin. Tell them we shall pay back half, or they shall receive mere air.”
“Sire, they took the deal. The value of our coin is at an all-time low. We must still need money for the subsidies. The sovereigns profess that they will only loan us coin at the interest they charge landless peasants. They deemeth us a risk economic too much for them to bear.”
“Fine. Obtain the money. I am King, none more so than the King of Debt.”
“Sir, our debt to the sovereigns again groweth large.”
“Expand trade, but make sure we get the best deals.”
“Sire, our trading partners are laying off thousands because they lost much coin due to our tariffs. They say they cannot grow trade again unless we drop our worrisome taxes upon their goods.”
“Ruling thus is too easy. Drop the tariffs. I have now remedied the quandary. Gather the peasants for a victory feast, at which I will allow them to worship me appropriately. I will be away at Castle Mar-A-Lago. Disturb me not unless thou wish to draw my wrath with simpleton quandaries again!”
John Parker
Oklahoma City
