Satire: FBI arrests man trying to steal Kevin Durant’s talent


Just as the NBA Western Conference playoff picture begins to settle, FBI agents have arrested a man for conspiracy to steal Kevin Durant’s talent.

A man known simply as Brian, 22, was caught soliciting an undercover agent posing as Rumble, the Oklahoma City Thunder mascot, at a Cheesecake Factory near Penn Square Mall.

The man allegedly wanted to exploit the mystical link between Durant and himself using Rumble as a supernatural medium in order to steal the superstar’s basketball prowess.

Brian and Durant have history together. The man successfully stole Durant’s talent in 2012, which was depicted in the biographical film Thunderstruck (see trailer above).

“’Thunderstruck?’ That movie is terrible,” said Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr when asked if he thought his team could make it to the finals without Durant’s talent. “Why are we talking about again? I have a weird PTSD when I think about that movie.”

Brian, who was 16 when he first stole Durant’s talent, was not charged with wrongdoing at the time owing to his status as a minor. This time, however, he will face criminal charges.

As he was being arrested, Brian criticized the FBI, citing hypocrisy.

“If I was trying to steal his acting ability, you think I’d be in cuffs right now?” he said. “I’d be a hero.”

Raiding the man’s house, investigators found plans to steal James Harden’s Beard, Tony Parker’s accent, Carmelo Anthony’s wine collection and Charles Barkley’s appetite.

“It’s like his body’s Barcelona, and he was trying to fit a Dream Team in it,” said an agent on the scene who preferred to remain anonymous.

Forensics also found Andre Roberson’s free-throw-shooting ability, which appears to have been in the man’s possession for decades.

Friends and neighbors have described Brian as a nice guy who keeps to himself. His ex-girlfriend, Isabelle, had a different opinion.

“He’s changed,” she said. “I think I said that in the movie, too, but now it’s for real.”

The Oklahoma City Thunder defeated the Memphis Grizzlies in their season finale earlier this week by a score of 137 to 123. They will play the Utah Jazz at 5:30 p.m. central time on Sunday during the first round of the NBA Playoffs. Meanwhile, the Golden State Warriors will have their hands full with San Antonio.